Cheating

Relationship lessions to be learned from "Is Cheating Ever Deserved?"

How much more provocative can you get than titling an article "Is Cheating Ever Deserved?" It doesn't stop there, however. More amusingly, the article discusses the affairs of John Edwards and Jon Gosselin of "Jon and Kate Plus 8" fame. Author Wendy Atterberry brings up some interesting points in the article about the possibility of the wife's role in her husband's infidelity that I think we all need to take to heart.

I haven't read Elisabeth Edwards' memoire, nor do I intend to, so I cannot speak to the possibility of her role in husband John's infidelity nor have we heard his side of the story. I also have avoided watching "Jon and Kate" first hand for fear of brain rot, among other things. The fact is that their relationship is very public and that we have a fairly unbiased view of it. As Atterberry notes, Kate comes across as someone who is constantly correcting, criticizing, or otherwise belittling her husband and that that lack of support could have driven him to allegedly cheat.

No doubt, we can all take a lesson from this observation. Let's have an introspective moment, shall we? When we're in a relationship, we want to be with someone who makes us feel good romantically and emotionally. We don't want our every action scrutinized and criticized. And we always hear that in the best relationships are those in which the partners are best friends. Well I certainly wouldn't call someone who criticized everything I did my best friend. There's no doubt that I'd start looking for a new best friend if that was the case. I could hardly blame a partner in a relationship from doing the same in that situation.

For those of us criticism-dishers, we need to figure out why it bothers us so much that George doesn't rinse the dishes off before putting them in the dishwasher or that Susan puts the toilet paper roll on upside down. I'm no psychiatrist, but there is no doubt in my mind that this behavior satisfies some need of superiority due to our own insecurities. If you find yourself doing this, ask yourself "Does that make George/Susan a bad person?" Nine times out of ten your answer will be "no." When you do find those things that really are dealbreakers, that's when you need to talk to your partner and if things don't change consider other options.

I also have to ask why someone subjected to that kind of emotional abuse would bother to stay in that relationship. Again, I think the issue has to do with self-esteem. You always hear on the news about battered women going back to their abusive spouses with the same excuse of "I love him." Is that the real reason though? People in that situation often feel trapped and have little self-worth to be able to say "I deserve to be treated better." That leads to the belief that there are any other guys or girls out there who are better than who they have. Well, I have news for you: if you're unhappy, there's always something better.

To have excellent relationships, we must never lose sight of the fact that they are supposed to make us happy. Complete happiness in a relationship cannot be based on any one part of it, but on the whole. How many times have you heard a friend say "oh, he's alright but the sex is great so why should I leave?" If you're sole reason for sticking with a relationship is sexual pleasure then they're nothing more than a no-strings fuck buddy or someone to show up gatherings with friends to prove that you're not lonely. Where's the fulfillment in that?

Conversely, if your relationship is emotionally satisfying but physically non-existant, that's only asking for trouble. That's not a boyfriend or a girlfriend, that's just a friend. And when the temptation takes over and you find yourself in the bed of the hot guy in the next cubicle, you've just screwed the friendship and trust that you had.

If you haven't noticed already, I'm a firm believer in doing what makes you happy without compromise. I believe that in dating you can find someone who can satisfy both your emotional and physical needs. It may take a while of searching, but eventually you'll find that one person who is the one. I haven't found that person yet, but I'm sure he's out there somewhere and that yours is too.