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The Boy Who Disappeared

No matter who you are, the first date is scary. Whether you met the person at a bar, a club, the metro, or even online, you never know quite what to expect. In any of these situations, you know hardly anything about the person you're meeting especially if the extent of your first encounter was a drunken back-and-forth about how hot he is with some snogging thrown in for good measure. Those of us who have figured out that bars and clubs aren't the best place to meet someone and have reluctantly resorted to online dating think we have the advantage. We've studied their OKCupid profile and have an 88% match rating and only a 2% enemy rating. Maybe we've even chatted a bit online first and had plenty of witty banter with a few suggestive comments to ice the cake. It's time to meet for real.

You've finally concluded the seemingly endless indecision while you text each other to find the best location (the intimate coffee shop you suggested) and time to begin what might be the end to your relentless series of failed relationships. You're in that surreal place between Anticipation Lane and Reality Street which is a block from your designated meeting spot. Your nerves are screaming, but outwardly you're cool as a cucumber. You make it to the front door of the coffee shop, and lo- he's actually sitting there! To your relief he's passed the first test. And ooh la-la, he's cuter than you remember.

You sit down at the table, the waiter comes over, and you order a café latte with authority. He seems impressed with your ordering abilities and conversation begins. There's the light banter about how annoying it is to find parking in this neighborhood, how cute the coffee shop is, and how glad you are that each other made it. Then the interviewing begins... Past, present, and future have sparked interesting conversation and before you know it your coffee cup is empty and your bladder is full!

After a quick bathroom break, he suggests that you go for a walk and you end up perusing a bookstore and other random shops and all the while conversation flows. Unfortunately, his time is running short so you walk him back to his car. As you're getting ready to part, the air becomes thick with tension. It feels as if neither of you wants to leave. You lean in to give him a hug and say goodbyes, but just as you're starting to walk away he catches up to you and surprises you with a kiss. Just like that, as he turns to leave while you're stunned and smiling all over. You know that this is someone you'll see again.

Proper dating etiquette says that you should do whatever necessary not to sound too eager after the first date. You wait a full twenty-four hours before contacting him to see if he has time later that week when maybe you could hang out again. You text him a simple message, nothing gushing so it doesn't sound needy, and expect a response within a couple hours. It never comes. You check your phone before you turn it off that night and still nothing. Next day, still no response and you're starting to lose hope. You wonder if maybe your cell phone isn't working, so you text your roommate just to be sure.

As the week goes on with still no response, you start to wonder: what happened between that blissful kiss and your text message that turned this guy off so much that he won't even give you a response? Is it that you weren't charming enough? Was he lying when he complimented you on your looks? When he kissed you were you so distracted that you didn't notice him checking for hidden rolls of fat? Or is he just an asshole that isn't worth your time?

In these situations, I pray it's the latter though the others seem just as likely. Beating yourself up over some guy that didn't return a call just isn't worth the trouble. It happens and that's the way things go sometimes. I wonder though, is a text message showing enough effort to show interest in someone? Perhaps it would be worth just giving it a little more effort--an email perhaps--to at least find out what the deal is. Maybe he'll respond, and maybe not. Either way, you'll have your answer once and for all and will finally know whether your text message was really ignored.

I think I'll give it a try.

Cheating

Relationship lessions to be learned from "Is Cheating Ever Deserved?"

How much more provocative can you get than titling an article "Is Cheating Ever Deserved?" It doesn't stop there, however. More amusingly, the article discusses the affairs of John Edwards and Jon Gosselin of "Jon and Kate Plus 8" fame. Author Wendy Atterberry brings up some interesting points in the article about the possibility of the wife's role in her husband's infidelity that I think we all need to take to heart.

I haven't read Elisabeth Edwards' memoire, nor do I intend to, so I cannot speak to the possibility of her role in husband John's infidelity nor have we heard his side of the story. I also have avoided watching "Jon and Kate" first hand for fear of brain rot, among other things. The fact is that their relationship is very public and that we have a fairly unbiased view of it. As Atterberry notes, Kate comes across as someone who is constantly correcting, criticizing, or otherwise belittling her husband and that that lack of support could have driven him to allegedly cheat.

No doubt, we can all take a lesson from this observation. Let's have an introspective moment, shall we? When we're in a relationship, we want to be with someone who makes us feel good romantically and emotionally. We don't want our every action scrutinized and criticized. And we always hear that in the best relationships are those in which the partners are best friends. Well I certainly wouldn't call someone who criticized everything I did my best friend. There's no doubt that I'd start looking for a new best friend if that was the case. I could hardly blame a partner in a relationship from doing the same in that situation.

For those of us criticism-dishers, we need to figure out why it bothers us so much that George doesn't rinse the dishes off before putting them in the dishwasher or that Susan puts the toilet paper roll on upside down. I'm no psychiatrist, but there is no doubt in my mind that this behavior satisfies some need of superiority due to our own insecurities. If you find yourself doing this, ask yourself "Does that make George/Susan a bad person?" Nine times out of ten your answer will be "no." When you do find those things that really are dealbreakers, that's when you need to talk to your partner and if things don't change consider other options.

I also have to ask why someone subjected to that kind of emotional abuse would bother to stay in that relationship. Again, I think the issue has to do with self-esteem. You always hear on the news about battered women going back to their abusive spouses with the same excuse of "I love him." Is that the real reason though? People in that situation often feel trapped and have little self-worth to be able to say "I deserve to be treated better." That leads to the belief that there are any other guys or girls out there who are better than who they have. Well, I have news for you: if you're unhappy, there's always something better.

To have excellent relationships, we must never lose sight of the fact that they are supposed to make us happy. Complete happiness in a relationship cannot be based on any one part of it, but on the whole. How many times have you heard a friend say "oh, he's alright but the sex is great so why should I leave?" If you're sole reason for sticking with a relationship is sexual pleasure then they're nothing more than a no-strings fuck buddy or someone to show up gatherings with friends to prove that you're not lonely. Where's the fulfillment in that?

Conversely, if your relationship is emotionally satisfying but physically non-existant, that's only asking for trouble. That's not a boyfriend or a girlfriend, that's just a friend. And when the temptation takes over and you find yourself in the bed of the hot guy in the next cubicle, you've just screwed the friendship and trust that you had.

If you haven't noticed already, I'm a firm believer in doing what makes you happy without compromise. I believe that in dating you can find someone who can satisfy both your emotional and physical needs. It may take a while of searching, but eventually you'll find that one person who is the one. I haven't found that person yet, but I'm sure he's out there somewhere and that yours is too.

Introductions

Washington, DC is without a doubt the center of power in the world. That intoxicating lust for power draws people of all walks of life to seek glory in its cubicles, corner offices, and congested city streets. And if you aren't a congressman, high powered lobbyist, or corner office executive, your chance at making it is a lot farther off.

DC is a rich and vibrant cultural center where there's always something going on. Everything from amazing art galleries, to concerts, to romantic coffee shops are all right at your fingertips. Parks, culture, clubbing--it's all here in abundance. So you can see why people looking for an active life and dating scene also flock to the city. Now this is where I come in.

A little background info. Previously, I had lived all my life in the suburbs of DC with a stint in Baltimore County during college. Out there, things are less pretentious but also a lot less exciting. And when you're a single guy, more specifically a single gay guy, the suburbs (and Baltimore) just aren't the place to be.

I moved to DC with the intention of getting out of the watchful eyes of the rents and getting a serious boost to my social life. So far, the promises of a blissful life in the city have eluded me. My actual ties to the city before moving here were quite limited. I had exactly three friends living here, all established and doing their own thing. Work is no help because everyone is middle-aged and lives outside the city. To top it off, the friends I have in the area who I expected would actually come visit downright refuse. (I did not realize there was such hostility towards DC from Balmerians!) So here I am, left to my own devices with a roommate I knew in high school who has very little interest in socializing.

My experience thus far with the people in DC is that they are so focused on their own ambitions that they ignore anything extraneous. Such pleasantries as simply saying "hello" to someone sharing your seat on the Metro or a ride on the elevator are often forgotten. Socially, everyone has their own clique which never has room for any new members. Unless you went to college in the city, work with people your age, or volunteer for some organization, it is very difficult to meet people and make friends, much less date.

And so I have begun an experiment to try to break into the DC social scene, carve out my own niche of friends, and of course meet someone and fall in love. I suspect there will be twists and turns along the way and many a setback but also small triumphs. I hope you will join me on this journey and enjoy the ride.